It's become clear to me that my issues with him, almost all of them, are due to the fact that he's not particularly attached to me.
I don't think this would be any different with any other woman. I've seen firsthand how he doesn't need to see his friends and family regularly. I also believe him when he says that he's as attached to me as he could be to anybody, but somehow that's still not enough.
I do find it kind of amusing, despite all the anguish this has caused me over the years, that I ended up with someone who was emotionally unavailable, just like my father. He has many good points, to be sure, but I've been feeling unwanted and insecure for most of our relationship and I think this is largely due to the fact that I never felt particularly wanted or needed by him. I know that I'm insecure anyway; I've had a lot of self-confidence issues like most women, but it's definitely been compounded by his apparent emotional distance.
His comments in the past that he values my friendship and that either one of us having a physical relationship with other people would mean nothing to him wound me deeply because it makes me feel he doesn't love me as a romantic partner. The discussion we had last night after I had a little bit of a meltdown certainly switched that light bulb on for me... It only took nine years.
Am I happy now that I understand the situation better and realize that there's nothing wrong with me per se, but he's the one who can't form a strong emotional attachment? Nope. I don't feel better. I feel resigned that I'm probably eventually going to leave him because I need someone who will need me as much as I need them.
I don't think I want to be with someone who tells me that he holds all the cards in this relationship because I'm sensitive and attached. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit if I have sex with someone else or who constantly reminds me what a sacrifice it is for him to stay faithful to me. I don't want to be with someone who cares about my friendship more than my partnership.
I hate myself for being so emotional and sensitive, not just because I feel pathetic, but because our society seems to cherish cold detachment and assertiveness over being kind, loving, and emotional.
He's been spending a lot of time with a woman at work. He's told me about her, I met her, and he set her up with one of his best friends. Still, I didn't feel comfortable with them having dinner together every Saturday and I asked that he please be mindful of any kind of emotional attachment developing and retract from the friendship accordingly. He interpreted that as demanding that he stop seeing her as a friend and that I was jealous. The whole thing escalated and I ended up crying my fucking eyes out on the phone to him, appearing sad and pathetic like I always do.
At the end of all it, after reminding me that sex means nothing to him, he told me said "What's the worst that's going to happen? Even if I did cheat on you, you wouldn't leave me, so don't even worry about it." He doesn't realize that I'd probably kick him out and never want to look at his fucking face again. Not only would he lose my partnership, but he'd lose our precious "friendship" because I'd probably never speak to him again.
He thinks he knows me so well, but I'm seriously considering leaving him. I might just bide my time to make sure I'm financially stable enough to kick him out (this is my house), but I'm extremely unhappy right now. I don't feel loved and in retrospect, I probably never did, which is likely the reason I've always acted pathetic and insecure--because I've never really been secure in this relationship. I think I just always assumed I was the problem.
I'm a loving and affectionate person. This doesn't make me weak or pitiful. I feel like I just need someone to appreciate what I have to give and actually need me and want me. Do I want to spend the rest of my life pining after someone or who doesn't appreciate me?
In truth, I'm feeling a little bit heartbroken at the moment. He's not going to change. I'm either going to have to accept that this will always be our dynamic or I'm going to have to leave him.
7:44 a.m. - May 01, 2017
Recent entries:
In truth, I'm feeling a little bit heartbroken at the moment. - May 01, 2017
Not really sure what to do about this. Maybe he would just do me a favour and leave me. - March 20, 2017
My personality is deficient. - April 26, 2016
I am a fucking mess. - September 29, 2014
I�m probably going to feel worse about this tomorrow. - September 27, 2014
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