It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this time last year I was thinking about breaking up with him for his desire to sleep with other women and now here I am writing a list of the positive sides of opening up our relationship.

Well... let's be clear. We're opening up his side of the relationship. My side is remaining firmly shut under lock and key, mainly because I'm apparently what the poly people call "mono."

Fittingly, "mono" is defined as "a combining form meaning 'alone,' 'single,' one'" and boy, let me tell you that there are times I feel really, really alone in this. I've been getting support from him as well as a therapist, with whom I'll be sharing this diary entry to provide some insight into our future sessions. Still, I'm going through a lot of pendulous mood swings. I'm quick to cry, and I often feel scared now that I've agreed to do this, though there are many twinges of sadness too.

It's also most apropos that "mono" is short for "infectious mononucleosis," which is also known as the "kissing disease" due to its spread through saliva. If I wanted to, I could easily view this situation as wholly negative, as if our relationship was suffering from an underlying case of the kissing disease this whole time, which has now reached its end-stage. Symptoms include uncontrollable crying, heartbreak, anxiety, insomnia, mood swings, and questioning of self-worth, values, and life decisions.

Sadly, there is no cure except relationship death, so I'm trying an experimental treatment called "opening up."

Ugh.

I'm not partial to this phrase because it reeks of positivity for the person who wants to open up, and not for people like me who are being dragged from their cave to explore new territory when all they really want to do is hunker down and stockpile their food for the winter.

I have to work hard to avoid feeling like my partner and the world isn't forcing me to eat a giant shit sandwich. Sometimes I still listen to sad music and cry. For some reason, I still listen to the same playlist about heartache and breakups that was on heavy rotation last year when I was trying to decide if I should leave him. There's a weird comfort that comes from imagining we broke up. If I had to guess, it's because it comes with imagining that he's suffering from just a fraction of the heartache I've felt and am feeling. Maybe that's sadistic of me, but the only "leverage" I seem to have in this relationship is I wouldn't talk to him again for a long time if we broke up, and if I'm being honest, there's a part of me that would do that to him as punishment for hurting me.

Someone on TV yesterday said that people in Latin America have a saying that goes something along the lines of: "The person who has the most power in the relationship is the one who loves the least." Ever since I heard that, it's been popping up in my head frequently because I feel my partner loves me less, probably due in part to the fact that I'm an exceptionally loving person to a select number of people. As such, he has more power in the relationship.

I know there's a lot of negotiating going on here, and he's been faithful to me for 11 years, so obviously he loves me, and I have some sway. Still, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this is incredibly painful. I'm trying in earnest to acknowledge and work through my emotions. I know what I'm going through is normal, but I don't want this to hurt as much as it has been. I want the scar tissue to form already.

One thing I read a few days ago in a book about polyamory also stuck with me though. In the chapter about mono/poly relationships, a monogamous woman with a polyamorous husband was recounting the pain she went through before she could find a sense of well-being with her relationship. She said that getting through the turmoil made her realize that she's a lot stronger than she thought and she now realizes she can get through almost anything. I've been holding onto that and reminding myself that I'm a lot stronger than I think. I got through my father dying, which was devastating to me, so I think (hope) I can get through this too.

Of course, one of the new problems with all this is that I'm questioning things more. When he tells me he's happy that I don't want to sleep with anyone else, I'm wondering if he's just telling me that because I expressed that I didn't like it when I thought the idea of my having sex with someone else didn't bother him. For many years, I was under the impression he was okay with it, so now that he's had this about-face, I'm wondering if he's latched onto the idea that I don't want him to share me and he's telling me this more often to placate me. I'm also wondering if he's just complimenting me more to make me feel better. I have asked him to reassure me, but I want his reassurances to be genuine and not just him spewing trite platitudes like "I love you more than anything."

Honestly, I'm just scared. Like really, really scared. I'm scared he's going to find someone better. I'm scared he's going to lose interest in me in every way possible. I'm scared he's going to get an STI and bring it home to me. I'm scared that I'm wasting my last "good" years with someone who isn't happy with "just" me. I'm scared that I won't ever want to have sex with him again or that I'll lose interest in being with him. I'm scared another woman is going to try to sabotage our relationship. I'm scared that opening up just means opening the floodgates protecting my stable and otherwise happy relationship to foreign invaders.

And yes. I get it. With growth comes discomfort. I understand all this completely on an intellectual level, but I just have moments, like now, where it just really hurts.

Anyway, the whole point of this entry was supposed to be to record the benefits of opening up (the floodgates to foreign invaders), so here I go, in no particular order:

1. It'll make him happy. I love him, and I want him to be happy. I know that I said this wasn't in any particular order, but this remains the number one reason I'm doing this. Bottom line.

2. It'll more than likely protect the integrity and quality of our relationship in the long run. This is much better than saying no and having him cheat on me anyway.

3. This may make our relationship better. In the past, he's told me that he brings more to the relationship, and I think this is due to his frustration and resentment that his needs in this regard weren't being met, which he too believes is accurate. If all his needs are met, he will have no reason to think that I'm bringing less to the relationship. My genuine hope from all this is that he'll appreciate me more because he'll see that I love him so much that I'm willing to go through tremendous anxiety and discomfort for his happiness.

4. It may make me feel more wanted. The fact that he still chooses to be with me despite having the opportunity to cavort with other women and see what he might be missing speaks to the fact that I really am special. (In truth though, as I write this out, my emotional brain is struggling with my logical brain because I believe this on an intellectual level, but my heart is protesting.)

5. I stand to get something out of this. I want some material items that otherwise wouldn't be available to me, and if he's going out and doing this, he can buy me some shit, god damnit.

6. The opportunity for me to date other men is still on the table. It would require some renegotiating, but if he's allowed to do this, then he absolutely must grant me the same freedom should I wish to pursue it.

7. He's willing to enter into an agreement that will levy stiff financial penalties on him should he leave me for another woman. I'm not particularly interested in the money, but this shows his level of commitment and self-assurance that he won't overstep the boundaries we've agreed upon.

8. I don't have to go out into the dating scene, alone or with him. Doing that was completely draining for me and was a huge driver behind my coming to think that it might be okay if he did this on his own. He can deal with all the ups and downs of dating people by himself. I'm just not interested.

That's all I can think of for now, but I suppose those are pretty good reasons. In any case, this is going to be a lot of work for me. I believe I can get through this and I believe that once it happens, it won't be as bad as I imagined it to be. I'm just struggling with a lot of anxiety right now. What if I reject him because I don't want him physically anymore? What if kissing him always makes wonder where his mouth had been on another woman's body? What if I view him as being tainted? As it is, even now, I have to remind myself not to pull away emotionally as a subconscious means of protecting my feelings.

Sigh. I don't know. It probably will be okay, but right now, I feel like this one of the most challenging emotional and psychological trials I've ever had to endure. I have to hold onto the idea that this will make our relationship, and me, better and stronger. I'll be okay in any case.

One way or another, even if this is the death knell for our relationship, I'll come through it. It's just scary to think about all the negative possiblities.

8:00 p.m. - August 20, 2019