I don't even know where to begin.
It's not that anything particularly terrible has happened, but I keep ending up feeling like garbage. I feel worthless and unwanted. If it's not him telling me that he's making this huge sacrifice to be in a monogamous relationship with me, it's him getting mad at me because I haven't done something correctly or at all around the house.
My instinct is to warn people that despite the fact it sounds like he's emotionally abusive, he's not, or at least he doesn't mean to be, but the reality is that he probably is emotionally abusive towards me, even though I know that's not his intention.
It's just a constant barrage of not feeling good enough. I'm constantly crying about him or something he's said to make me feel bad. The discussion we had tonight made me feel as though he doesn't really love me romantically anymore, but he's only with me because he can't bear the thought of losing my friendship. He says this because he knows if he cheated on me or we broke up under bad circumstances I probably wouldn't talk to him again.
I suppose I should be happy that he values my friendship, but we're in a relationship. We've been together for almost nine years. I may be his friend, but that should be among so many other things.
Right now I feel so heartbroken and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it's the reminder he's making a sacrifice to remain faithful to me. It makes me think he's only with me because he's in too deep at this point to just walk away. Not to mention that I constantly feel inadequate around him.
He told me on more than one occasion that I would look even better if I worked out at the gym. Never mind that I work out six, SIX, days a week as it is and recently lost another 20 pounds. Nope, I would look better if I lifted weights.
He's on my case all the time because I haven't cleaned something properly or I didn't put the lid on the margarine immediately after using it to prevent cat hair from getting inside.
I just feel like he doesn't want me like he should and it's starting to fester and make me think nobody will want me.
I know this is all ridiculous, but I feel quite terrible right now and I've begun feeling this way more and more often to the point where I'm regularly asking myself if I should stay with this man.
Not really sure what to do about this. Maybe he would just do me a favour and leave me.
8:51 p.m. - March 20, 2017
Today he said that I'm "deficient" because I allow my older sister to stress me out.
Perhaps I am deficient in this way. I know that I get stressed out easily and I care what other people think about me way too much, but how is it okay that, especially in the last few weeks, I've been chided and lectured at length about everything that's wrong with me and my personality?
I'm acutely aware that I have flaws. I cry too much, I'm indecisive, changes scare me, and I hate it when people are mad at me, but nobody is perfect, particularly not him, yet I seem to be constantly reprimanded and reminded of each item in the extensive catalog of Things That Are Wrong with Me.
This is making wonder if I really am that terrible to be in a relationship with. Do I have so many negative traits that they easily overshadow any positive ones that I may have? Are they so abhorrent that not pointing them out to me is unbearable?
I recognize how common it is to revert to this kind of attitude whenever you're in a fight with your significant other, but the way I feel right now, at this moment, I don't particularly want to be in a relationship with him. And really, why would I? Who the hell wants to be criticized for everything?
I don't even know if I can remember all the criticisms he's flung my way...
-I'm too flighty. I give up too easily and I wouldn't be anywhere in life right now if it weren't for him. (A little funny, considering that I put myself through university, won scholarships, and an award for having the best grades in the faculty, all without any intervention from him.)
-I defer to him too much. He's starting to notice that in a lot of relationships, including ours, that women let men make the big decisions. I need to "take the bull by the horns" and make more decisions and show more initiative. (In the past, I've been resistent to change because I'm scared of it. I'll readily admit that, but I don't want him to make decisions without me. I want it to be a joint decision that we came to as a couple.)
-He brings more to the relationship because he's a decision-maker and he makes more money. (Because one's worth is inextricably tied to their monetary value only. I earn far less than he does, yet I pay for half of the bills and regularly try to take him out for dinner, buy the groceries, etc.)
-I leave an unfair amount of housework to him when he comes home from being up north. (He works 10 full days straight, then comes back home for another 10 days off from working. I work a full-time job AKA I don't have almost two weeks of being at home to clean. I admit that I can be lazy, but it's also more difficult for me to find time to reorganize the pantry or spare bedroom. As it is, I always make sure I clean the house before he comes home.)
-My personality is "deficient" because I allow someone like my sister to upset me. (Perhaps it is deficient. I definitely don't want to be upset by other people all the time. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I was looking to him for support because I was feeling anxious and instead I got a lecture.)
Additionally, almost comically, we got a parrot and she clearly loves him more than me. Clearly. There's no argument in my mind about it because she prefers to be around him and shows way more affection towards him. I've expressed that this bothers me because I try so hard to take care of her and bond with her, especially when he's away. I've gotten extremely upset in the past about this and admittedly, I've overreacted. I've even cried, because I feel like I've put in so much effort with her and she doesn't love me like she loves him, which hurts my feelings.
After months and months of bringing this up with him, he finally admitted that she does act differently with him, but again, this was MY fault because I don't handle her enough. When I brought this up before, he would tell me that I'm just perceiving the situation to be this way, that she loves me, and this is the result of my not handling her enough or correctly.
I know I've never had a pet parrot before so this experience is still very new to me and there's probably still a learning curve, but I was extremely frustrated because my feelings were just... nullified... because it was yet again MY fault. It's beyond frustrating to see irrefutable evidence that she loves him more than me yet having my feelings on the matter effectively dismissed. I know that he loves her dearly and I've tried to put my feelings aside because she brings him a lot of happiness and I know he didn't want to admit to me that she does show him more affection because he was afraid I'd give up on her. I do understand this, but, as silly as it sounds, I feel downright rejected by her at times, and instead of being compassionate about how this may make me feel, I'm told it's MY fault because I'M not doing something right.
Christ, if I had a dime every time he started a sentence with "Your problem is..." or "The problem with you is..." or "You need to start/stop doing..."
In truth, I'm probably going to keep putting up with this, but I can't be all that bad. Like everyone else, I have bad traits and I have good traits. I don't point out that he's extremely critical, impatient, and can actually be a mean person. I don't believe he sets out to hurt me, but he does and he knows he does, yet he continues to do so because in some warped way, he thinks I need to hear these things to make me a better person.
I told him this morning, as I've told him regularly in the past, that I feel like I'm being attacked. Instead of apologizing, he tells me that's just my PERCEPTION. I'm just PERCEIVING that I'm being attacked, which sure feels like my feelings are being invalidated... again.
What if it's just his perception that he's trying to help me, but he's actually being far too abrasive and didactic? What if it's his perception that I'm just too thin-skinned when in fact he's actually being downright mean? Who's is perception is correct then?
6:48 a.m. - April 26, 2016
Recent entries:
Not really sure what to do about this. Maybe he would just do me a favour and leave me. - March 20, 2017
My personality is deficient. - April 26, 2016
I am a fucking mess. - September 29, 2014
I�m probably going to feel worse about this tomorrow. - September 27, 2014
I don't deserve this. - September 24, 2014
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