I�ve got a just a few fucking issues with what�s going on here and I�m a little stoned on Cipralex right now, so please allow me to share them with you!
Right now I�m on a break with my boyfriend, partly because of what�s happened with my mother, but also because of the way he�s been fucking treating me!
Did you know he called me a �dumb little whore� the other day? That he was SCREAMING at me �I TOLD YOUR DUMB LITTLE FUCKING WHORE ASS AND YOU STILL DIDN�T BELIEVE ME!�? He was referring to the fact that my mother was lying to me about seeing her sex offender husband. My mother did in fact lie to me and I�m stupid so I believed her lies, but that�s neither here nor there.
Before he called me a whore, he was standing over me while I sat on a park bench shrieking at me and smacking the bench I sat on, asking me why I was so fucking stupid, so simple. He was screaming at me so loudly in the middle of the night that I was worried someone was going to call the cops on him.
Recently before this, he told me I lived like a pig. When I told him I resented that he said �I don�t fucking care if you resent it. You lived like a pig before me and you�d live like a pig without me and you fucking know it.� Prior to that he told me I was a fucking lazy plagiarist because I was having a hard time writing some technical jargon for some work I�m doing. Prior to that he said I never do things for him without being a bitch about it. The list goes on and on.
I know he�s frustrated about what my mother has done, but I feel like he�s abusing me, like seriously abusing me. I looked up the signs of verbal abuse and his behaviour towards me sure as fuck shows the signs of verbal abuse. I didn�t realize until recently that my self-confidence is totally in the shitter and I think it�s because of him.
I feel ugly because he always tells me he could have a bunch of women and all he would have to do is change his Facebook status to Single and all the women would come flocking. This makes me feel ugly because I don�t have the personality that men flock to, and saying he could just get another woman at the flick of the wrist makes me feel like I�m disposable and replaceable.
I feel worthless because he�s told me more than once that he brings more to the relationship than I do, that he�s a good looking alpha male, who�s a leader but who is also sweet, gentle, and loving and he also earns a lot of money. I apparently possess no positive traits.
I feel stupid because he�s always criticizing me. One time, I told him to be careful when he was parking and he said something like �Uh, sweetie, I think I know what I�m doing better than you� and in defense to his condescension I said �You�re not smarter than me.� This prompted him to list off all the ways he�s smarter than me, saying �I�m smarter than you when it comes to math, trades, being a leader, mechanics, decision making, arguing a point, science, philosophy. I�m also better at driving. You�re only better than me at writing and that�s only because you read a lot.�
You may even recall that he tried to compete with me when I got published by submitting an article, which was promptly rejected, but it really hurt my feelings nonetheless. Why was he even trying to compete with me instead of celebrating my accomplishments?
The other day he was angry with me for being too passive and relying on him to do things for me, even though I never asked him to do anything. He told me my mother and I both need a man around to make decisions.
He told me that I�m too judgemental and gives me a lot of shit for not being social enough. You may also recall that diary entry where I felt like I had tried to be social and friendly for a family dinner and he still ripped my head off because it apparently wasn�t good enough.
Look, basically what I�m saying here is that I have some serious concerns about his treatment of me.
I KNOW my mother has fucked up! I KNOW I should never have gotten him involved in this and I KNOW he�s done a lot to help her. Yet, despite his frustration, is it ever okay to treat me this way? And if it was all just frustration with our circumstances, why was he doing this before we found out my mother was seeing her ex?
He wants me to kick my mother out of this house I helped her buy and disown her. I told him I would move out with him, but that�s not good enough. So, I told my mother she had to get a place. She agreed and that wasn�t good enough either. I did everything he asked and I was happy because I thought I sorted our situation out so I called him to tell him everything was going to be okay, but he was still irate, calling me a bitch and being cruel to me and that made me realize we need a fucking break. Where does frustration from a situation end and abuse begin?
He told me that if I want to be with him that I�ll just have to put up with his temper and that I shouldn�t take the mean things he says about me personally because they�re just out of frustration. He just gets mad and then it�s done and forgotten. Maybe for him it is, but I feel like I�m starting to suffer some fairly deep emotional wounds after all the beatings I�ve been getting over the years that have only escalated.
Even if it�s not intentional, I know that I feel like shit about myself. I constantly question myself and my abilities, particularly when I�m around him. He told me, well actually screamed at me, the other day when we were fighting �DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I THOUGHT ABOUT JUST LEAVING YOU?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I SAW SOME OF THE WOMEN AROUND ME AND THOUGHT, �WHY DON�T YOU JUST GET ANOTHER ONE?!��
This hurts my feelings. �Just get another one.� Like I come off an assembly line or something.
Let me, or let Cipralex, tell you something.
I�m a size 2. I work out six days a week. I�ve got thick, long hair that goes down to my butt. I work hard, I�m independent. I�m educated. Despite my introversion, I�m extremely loving and, although quite na�ve at times, I�m very kind hearted. I really don�t know anybody as sensitive as me and I doubt he will ever find someone who loves him as much as I do. Is it THAT easy to �just find another one�?
Another thing he said was �I�m not worried about you leaving me. I know you�ll never leave me.�
Oh, really? Are you sure about that? Positive? He�s been threatening to leave me for months now, but I don�t know if he realizes how close I�m coming to really leaving him. My mother�s situation cannot be enough of an excuse to cut me down, criticize me, belittle me, make me feel worthless on what�s becoming a very constant basis. I�ve let him screech about my mother and how much he hates her, but I�ve wondered more than once if he�s mean about her just to hurt me and that if I hadn�t involved him in my mother�s bullshit he would have found some other reason to treat me this way. He did it before, but it was less frequent and for more random things. One time he was irate with me because I said something about paying for myself too loudly in a grocery store. Another time I was eating a hamburger too messily and another time I was lambasted for not liking Johnny Cash�s version of Hurt.
There�s a pattern that�s starting to pop here and it's only now starting to concern me.
Right now I�m feeling okay because I medicated myself, but I�ve spent the last few days feeling like garbage because it was my idea to go on this break, but it hurts me that he still hasn�t reached out. He told me he feels used and neglected and that my mother and I leached off him.
He did spend a lot of money on us, but he was fucking gone most of the time, nobody asked him to pay for anything, it wasn�t that god damn much and I�ve been with you for a long fucking time. You can stop hoarding your money all time when I spend money on you and I earn JUST A FRACTION of what you earn.
Fuck, I�m rambling, but I have to remind myself that I�m worthy. Someone will want me and not berate me. I know I�m not perfect. As previously discussed, I�m extremely moody and introverted, but I don�t deserve to be screamed at and criticized and I don�t deserve to be called a whore.
I love him and I don�t want to lose him, but I don�t want to live with him treating me this way.
I�m probably going to feel worse about this tomorrow.
3:07 a.m. - September 27, 2014
Recent entries:
In truth, I'm feeling a little bit heartbroken at the moment. - May 01, 2017
Not really sure what to do about this. Maybe he would just do me a favour and leave me. - March 20, 2017
My personality is deficient. - April 26, 2016
I am a fucking mess. - September 29, 2014
I�m probably going to feel worse about this tomorrow. - September 27, 2014
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